Learning the Art of Giving Feedbacks and Benefitting from Receiving Feedbacks
Most of us by now are familiar with the concept of Johari Window. Created by Joe Luft and Harry Ingham, their model stipulated that our self is composed of four dimensions: Open, Blind, Hidden and Unknown. The Open Dimension is the part of us that is both known to ourselves as well as known to others. This is our Public Self. The Blind Dimension is the part of ourselves that is known to others but unknown to us. Sometimes, this is termed in jest as our “Bad Breath” area. It is called such because the one with bad breath is usually the last person who is aware of it. It is also referred to as our “Blind Spots.” The Hidden Dimension is the part of ourselves that is known to us but unknown to others. This is our Private Self. Here we choose to withhold from others some information about ourselves. This includes the secrets that we keep because they will make us vulnerable once we expose them to others. Finally, we have the Unknown, the part of ourselves that is both unknown to us and unknown to others. This is the aspect of us that remains a mystery and is yet to be discovered.
Giving and receiving corrections serve the purpose of helping us recognize our Blind Spots. People often do not act with bad intentions in mind. Our actions however may impact on others in an unacceptable way. For instance, a teacher may stem from a cultural and family background where their talking is often misconstrued as arguing. This is because they speak rather loudly and intensely. This may be quite natural in their context. To an outsider, it may be misinterpreted. Thus her loud voice in the classroom may subsequently cause fear especially among her young wards as she is perceived to be very aggressive.
A student who feels insecure about his social status may resort to bragging. This is most likely a Defense Mechanism that he has unconsciously adopted in order to enhance his self-image to others. He may be unaware however that his bragging happens to turn people off. Once correction is given, he may become more mindful of this tendency of his and perhaps decrease it. It may also facilitate his coming to terms with his limitation and learn to accept himself more. Thus, he will no longer feel the need to put up defences in the future.
A lay woman once complained to me: “This priest relates to us women as if we are his servants.” This came as a surprise to me as I have personally known the priest to be a warm and loving person. It dawned on me that probably the priest is unaware of his actions. He must have unconsciously imbibed gender biases that taught him women exist to serve their men. This must have been deeply ingrained that it comes out naturally to him. Giving this priest correction may help him to shift from looking at women as servants to women as partners.
Today, giving corrections is also known as offering feedbacks. This shift in terminology is significant as it steers away from a condescending attitude. To correct presupposes that the one correcting holds some authority in order to help the one corrected to remove his or her errors and be set right. This term is therefore appropriate for persons who are in positions of authority, such as parents, teachers, bosses, superiors, priests, nuns, among others. We are aware though that even people in authority are not exempted from corrections. Yet those of us who do not belong to such positions do not feel entitled to give corrections to those deemed superior to them. As such, the authority is spared in a sense. Ironically, he or she is equally spared from the chance to grow and improve. In the spirit therefore of Pope Francis’ effort to remove all forms of hierarchical thinking, we shall henceforth utilize the term of feedback to refer to any form of correction, whether it be a correction from a superior to a subordinate or from a friend or colleague to a fellow friend or colleague.
The Role of Feedback
Feedback is a term utilized in human relations training. It refers to the communication of information to another as to how his or her behaviour is affecting you or others. As such, it is not the truth per se. We have no access to truth that is inside a person such as his or her motives and intentions. We can never as a result judge a person simply by his or her external actions. Feedback is simply our initiative to mirror to another how their actions impact on others. This leaves the one receiving the feedback to consider and check their behaviour vis-a-vis their motives and intentions. This also gives them the prerogative to decide to change their behaviour or not. This however makes them aware of their accountability to their actions. If they choose to persist in their ways despite the feedback, they are liable to deal with its natural consequences.
Teachers often fall into the trap of making judgments. When students frequently come late or is absent in class, they are often put down by the professors as being lazy and irresponsible. We may fail to realize that there are other probable reasons for their behaviour. They may be absent because they are caring for a sick parent. They may be late because they are doing part-time jobs. In place of judgment, it would be best for the teacher to give a feedback. Instead of saying, “you are so lazy and irresponsible,” the teacher can say instead, “I am annoyed by your constant tardiness and absences because I wonder if you are able to catch up with our lessons.”
Feedback paves the way for dialogue. Once the unacceptable behaviour is pointed out, we give the other a chance to explain their behaviour. In understanding the situation better, there is a greater chance that resolutions can be arrived at. Once the teacher for example realizes the condition of the student, he or she can work out an alternative scheme for the student to catch up with the lessons.
As a guidance counselor in a seminary before, I am cautious never to tell a seminarian that he has no vocation. Who am I after all to say this? All I can do is to point out areas in the seminarian’s behaviour that manifest incongruences. For instance, I confront them with this feedback: “I am confused because you tell me that you are seriously considering the priesthood but I noticed that you have so many girlfriends. This seems inconsistent to me.” This often elicits deeper sharing on their part where I discover for instance their strong affective needs that stem from emotional wounding in the family that increases further their adolescent impulses.
The Art of Giving Feedback as Correction
In our efforts to correct someone, it is best to consider the following guidelines by way of giving feedback. Many times it is not the point to be corrected that is the problem but how the feedback or correction is being said. The way by which it is conducted is the cause for more aggravation and complications. It triggers defensiveness and withdrawal. To prevent these from happening, examine the following:
- Motive. Examine first your motivation for desiring to correct or give feedback. The key purpose of feedback is to help the other. It is born out of concern and love for the other. At times we correct or give feedback for our own benefit. We may be quite annoyed with the person’s action that we wish to vent out our anger and resentment. This is to relieve ourselves of our negative emotions. Chances are we end up saying things that we don’t mean and regret later. Other times, our purpose to correct is to demonstrate our superiority and show the other who is the boss. Our intention is to control the other to do our will in place of working out our differences. If our motives then are for our own sake, it would be wise first to resolve our issues before we confront the other.
- Manner. The way we give correction and feedback should always be in a non-violent manner. Violence only court counter-violence. This means we have to be careful about using put-down statements that includes judging, blaming, criticizing, name-calling, sarcasm, ridiculing, commanding, directing, warning, threatening, among others. These are what we call “You-Messages.” When we accuse someone with, “you are so irresponsible,” we may receive this retaliation, “look who’s talking.” The key then is to utilize “I-Messages.” This entails pointing out the specific behaviour of the other that is considered unacceptable to you (“When you…), how it affects you emotionally (“…I felt…) and the reasons why you see it as unacceptable (“…because…”) Since no one would like to think that they have caused others discomfort, it could also help to suggest the alternative ways that you would like the other to behave in order to address your concern (“…so I suggest…”). Examine the difference below:
You-Message: “You are so insensitive! I hope that someday you will get a dose
of your own medicine so that you will know what it feels like!” I-Message: “When you make jokes about the color of my skin, I feel hurt
because this is something that I grew up feeling quite sensitive about. May I
suggest that you refrain from making jokes about this.”Make sure that the correction or feedback is about something that is concrete and
observable and that the other person can modify, not something that he or she cannot
do anything about. You can’t say, “I don’t like your face!” What can he or she do about
this unless he or she considers facial reconstruction. - Timing. Check whether the correction or feedback is given at an appropriate time. Parents’ and teachers’ common mistake is to correct their kids in front of their peers. They may not mind the feedback but they do mind being embarrassed in front of their friends. At times, we correct others when they are not in the right mood, such as when they are feeling depressed. That may make them withdraw further from us and push them further into depression. Timing is crucial! Make sure that the soil is fertile first, so to speak, in order that it may be received well.
- Recency. Feedback is most effective when it is given at the earliest opportunity after the behaviour. It should not be about ancient history—“remember you said this to me ten years ago!” If we can give our correction immediately, this saves us from unnecessary tensions and worries. “Your touching me just now makes me uncomfortable because to me this is inappropriate for our relationship. Can you refrain from doing this?”
- Amount. Feedback should be given one at a time. We should not overload the other. Administrators tend to make this mistake during their conferences with the teachers. They begin with, “these are the things that I see is good in you.” They mention a few. Then they proceed with a long enumeration, “these however are what I don’t like. Number 1… number 2… number 10…” This can overwhelm the person and make them feel that they are all wrong.
The Art of Receiving Feedback as Correction
There are also some guidelines to consider when someone offers us correction by way of feedback:
- Acknowledge. Giving feedback and corrections require courage. It entails taking risk that the one corrected may be hurt or may feel rejected. As a receiver, acknowledge then the efforts taken to give you feedback or correction, even if you may not agree with them. Show appreciation for the concern given you. This will encourage future efforts to offer feedback and corrections. You can say something like: “Thank you for taking time to give me this feedback.” or “I appreciate your corrections as it indicates your concern for me.” Then attempt to paraphrase what was said. This will make the giver perceive that you are open to listen. This will also help you to really listen to what was being communicated to you. Start by saying: “So you are telling me that this behaviour of mine is causing you to feel…” or “You are saying that I…”
- Clarify. If feedback or corrections are communicated generally, it helps to ask for clarification and request for elaboration as to where that originated. A mother may accuse the son with, “You don’t love me anymore!” The son should ask in return, “what did I do that made you say I don’t love you anymore?” It may turn out that the mother feels this way because the son stays out late and does not realize that she stays awake worrying for him.
- Discern. After hearing the feedback and corrections, the receiver must take this into consideration in place of being defensive and check for its validity. In turn, he or she can share his or her feelings about this. The son in our example can respond: “I am sorry Mama if my staying out late caused you to worry. I am not doing this because I do not love you. I am just enjoying my being a teen. I want to assure you that you need not worry as I am able to take care of myself. And of course I love you! You need not doubt that.”
- Be Humble. Humility is placing oneself in a state where one’s estimation of self is open for comment and correction from others. This connotes that one is aware that he or she is not always right and that he or she can benefit from other’s contribution. When the feedback and corrections are valid, then the receiver can humbly admit it. “I must confess Mama that I tend to think of myself and not consider your feelings. Thank you for your feedback. I will be mindful of this.”
- Respond. The key is not to dwell on the feedback or corrections alone. By doing this, there will be greater chances for one to be constantly reactive. Instead take on a problem-solving approach. What then can be suggested in order to improve the situation? How may I address this? How can you teach me to be better? The son can suggest, “in order for you not to worry about me, I will make the effort to call you when I am out so that you will be assured of my safety” or “remind me Mama if I tend to neglect you at times.”
Resistance to Feedback and Corrections
There are instances in my life where I offer feedback to a friend. They end up getting angry with me. This results in their refusing to see me afterwards. It had cost our friendship. The interesting part is after three years, they inevitably come back to tell me, “you know, you were right about what you told me three years ago!” This means that it took them a whole three years to filter the information. Indeed truth can set one free. But truth can make one miserable at first.
The main reason I surmise for our resistance to feedback and corrections is our weak and frail egos. When we grow up with a poor sense of self, any negative feedback or correction will be interpreted as a personal rejection. This is regardless of how the feedback was phrased and expressed. The reaction is always one of defensiveness as a way of protecting one’s ego.
It is therefore essential to be mindful of the egos that we are dealing with when we correct people. It is good to remind them that we are not attacking their person nor are we questioning their worth. Rather we are simply pointing out how some of their specific behaviour can affect others. It also does not mean that if they affect others in a negative way, they are no longer good. Corrections are geared at helping them improve in certain aspects of their lives, not to put them down.
When someone we correct becomes too defensive, it would be advisable to stop our feedback. We just listen to their defensiveness. When they are calm, that is the time to repeat our feedback. If they still show that they are not ready to receive it, we offer them space to consider.
Feedback and correction therefore is effective when our relationship is established well. They must be assured that we accept and love them unconditionally. They must feel that we genuinely appreciate and cherish them. When the time comes that corrections are made, they will eventually consider these as a part of our loving them.
In Conclusion
One of the frustrations that come with offering feedback and corrections is that we expect a person to change. Sadly, some people never change despite many efforts to help them. We must therefore remind ourselves that we can never demand change from others. That is not something within our control. To change or not is a person’s prerogative and decision. Our only consolation is that we have done our part. We have provided them the necessary information for them to consider. Whether they will utilize these data for their gain and growth is up to them. We must however remind them that if they choose to remain the way they are, they are liable for the consequences of their actions. Our additional gift to them is not to spare them of these consequences. Rather we offer them tough love as we hold them responsible for their behaviours.
A parent who fails to receive feedback from his or her children, whether openly or indirectly, will soon witness to how his or her children slowly move away from the home. A teacher who is insensitive to the reactions of his or her students will notice either how passive or noisy his or her classes have become. An administrator who refuses to listen to his or her subordinate’s feedback will in the long run experience an exodus of employees. Or if the employees decide to stay, the organizational climate will be characterized by low morale. They will mostly react with passive aggression. A child who resists the teaching of his or her parent will inevitably grow up to be dysfunctional. A student who refuses to address the corrections of the teacher will eventually flunk out. A friend who chooses to remain selfish will inevitably lose his or her friends.
It is essential then for us to be open to corrections and feedback. There is much that can be benefitted from these. They are gifts to us for our personal growth and development. Let us not therefore wait for corrections and feedback to be given to us. Let us make it a habit to ask for them. Periodically let us turn to someone and seek specific points on which we need correction and feedback. What do you think about my behaviour? How am I coming across to you? What can be improved in me? If we are not afraid to ask, we can learn. When we improve, we soon come to realize that we are not the only ones who benefit from it. Everyone around us benefit as well. This becomes our legacy of love to people in our lives.
Earnest L. Tan is a licensed Guidance Counselor and Formation Professional. He is also a freelance facilitator who conducts various workshop-seminar that are psycho-spiritual in nature. He is the author of Why I Love Pope Francis, Pope Francis Close to Our Hearts and Your Greatest Gift for Your Greatest Love.
