Human beings are creatures of habit. We do things automatically sometimes without even thinking. This is true in our parenting. We have often adopted patterned ways of reacting to our children. This activity points out common pitfalls that you tend to do as a parent out of habit. These however potentially damage your children’s sense of self-worth. In bringing these to mind, you can opt to decide not to react but to respond. In this way, you are able to prevent any negative consequences on your children especially in the way that they will look at themselves.
Here are the ten most common pitfalls in parenting:
TEN COMMON PITFALLS IN PARENTING:
- Comparing children. This is commonly practiced by parents who wish to motivate their children. This always begins with: “Why don’t you be like….?” While the intentions are good, children may take it the wrong way. “I am not as good as they are, so what’s the point in trying?” Self-worth is damaged here because children are not appreciated for their own gifts. They now formulate standards that you have set for them. They then begin to measure their worth accordingly. While they may not be like others, remember that they have their own strengths too. Children who grow up with this pitfall tend to withdraw, feel easily discouraged and have low self-confidence. They may seldom initiate efforts to try their potentials.
- Favouritism. Most parents deny having favourites. This however is a myth. One cannot help but have favourites. Which parent would prefer a child who always challenges your authority over one who readily obeys without complaints? The issue is not whether or not we have favourites. Rather it is one of not showing favouritism by giving equal treatment to all children, whether they are our favourite or not. Sometimes, parents callously tell their friends in front of the other children: “This is my favourite child.” Favouritism is an injustice and this often triggers anger and resentment to those not favoured. This often results in jealousies, competition and power struggles among siblings. Your legacy will be a civil war among them when you are gone. Siblings will for example turn against each other over inheritance to demand what they think is rightfully theirs but which they perceive to have been unjustly deprived of in the past.
- Verbal Abuse through Put-Downs. Put-downs are usually directed to children when the parent feels irritation, anger, frustration, disappointment over a child’s behaviour. These however automatically court counter put-downs. It is in our nature as human beings to defend one’s self. Thus, when a parent hurls these words, “I wish you were not my son,” the son hits back, “I wish you were not my father!” This often succeeds in escalating conflict and ends at times in violence. When children are not able to retaliate, they succumb to passive aggression. They become stubborn, rebellious, lazy, among others. The words that the parents use often become the basis in the formulation of their concept of self.
- All Forms of Abuse. Physical abuse is common because parents use to equate discipline with spanking. This however is no longer the case as psychology has taught us alternative ways of disciplining that does not include violating the rights of children to be treated with dignity. There is no excuse for parents to cause injury, bodily harm and pain on children. Sexual abuse is the parents’ exercise of power over children who are helpless by forcing undesired sexual behaviour on them. Emotional abuse happens when parents expose children to behaviour or experiences that may be potentially traumatic to them. All these make children question their worth and develop not only hatred for the abuser but also self-hatred. They often than not grow up to become either voluntary victims or willing aggressors. This in turn propagates a new generation of abusers and victims.
- Labelling. This is a variation of put-downs. Parents who do not understand children’s misbehaviour often succumb to judging them with labels, such as bad, stupid, useless, black sheep, loser. The labels themselves harm children as they become “self-fulfilling prophecies.” Parents who constantly tell their child: “You’re so stupid!” will raise a child who concludes that he or she is indeed dumb and ignorant. They live up to the labels.
- Shaming. This is used by parents first as a way of manipulating children to abide by their wishes. They apply social pressure on their kids by exposing their faults publicly. This is secondly utilized by parents to court public sympathy for themselves. A mother talks about her son to another parent during the distribution of report cards: “My son has repeated the same grade level twice. I do not know what to do with him anymore. I have done everything I could.” The son who overhears this eventually feels shame and guilt. He thinks to himself, “I am indeed hopeless!” As he has no more face to show, he moves away and withdraws.
- Unrealistic expectations. Parents have dreams for their children. Some of these dreams unfortunately are too high and unrealistic. A child for instance has no inclination for medicine. Yet his father admonishes him: “You come from a line of successful surgeons. I expect you to be one too. You should be just like the rest of us. Don’t fail us!” The child is thus set up for failure right from the start. Children pressured by this suffer from stress as they are constantly weighed down by the burden to live up to their parent’s wishes. Their greatest fear is to disappoint their parents. They end up striving too hard. They find it difficult to forgive themselves for their mistakes and failures. When children fear that they cannot meet their parents’ standards, they become under-achievers. Unconsciously they tell themselves: “If I cannot be the best that they expect of me, then maybe I can be the best failure!” They turn in mediocre performances and live un-motivated existences.
- Excessive Attention to Grades. Parents often mistake success with school performance. They become overly anxious about their children’s grades. During the distribution of report cards, parents are visibly more anxious than their kids. They either castigate their children for low grades or reward them for high grades. Children in the process learn that their parents’ love and acceptance of them is conditional. They may end up becoming perfectionists, compulsively competing and aspiring to be number one. Or they may feel like losers with a deep sense of inadequacy.
- Over-protectiveness. Parents want the best for their children. This however is translated at times as over-protectiveness. “Don’t lift a finger. I will do everything for you! I will shield you from pain and suffering.” Children unconsciously receive the message: “I do not trust you to have the capacity to deal with life. You therefore cannot be strong without me. You must always need me to depend on.” Over-protected children tend to grow up doubting their abilities. They become crippled by fears and anxieties. They develop dependencies. In short, they never grow up as adults and remain as children forever.
- Negligence and Abandonment. Parents today are either too busy or quite emotionally distant from their children. In these instances, children will be left to the care of others. Children will always interpret this as personal rejection. They will thus consider themselves as un-lovable. The thoughts that run through their heads are: “If my own parents do not care for me, who else will?” These children inevitably grow up feeling empty and lonely. Their self-esteem is low and they are filled with self-doubts. They may end up compulsively seeking for attention and approval from others. They may become clinging and possessive in relationships. They may resort to buying affection. They may even paradoxically sabotage love that comes their way because they doubt their own lovability.
Excerpt in part from Your Greatest Gift For Your Greatest Love by Earnest L. Tan. Other books by the author are Pope Francis Close to Our Hearts and Why I Love Pope Francis
